As 2017 draws to a close, I have been reflecting on the year that has gone by, with all of it's ups and downs. I was then inspired by Troye Sivan's recent tweets, where he posted a picture for the highlight of each month in this past year, so I thought I would do the same! 2017 has been one of the most difficult years of my life, with my physical and mental health being at it's very lowest. I have been at points of being so low where I didn't think I could see a future for myself; but alas, I proved my poorly mind wrong. So here it is, my year in highlights.
January
This month was generally quite a quiet one for myself, with me carrying on my studies and social life at uni as usual. However, one major thing that occurred was me updating my blog to how it looks today. Before joining Wix, my blog was on an incredibly simple layout which I now look back on and cringe, because of how basic it was. It's taken quite a bit of work to make it look how it does today, but I honestly could not be happier with it. This pride has carried on with the work I have done on here this past year, with me loving my content and pictures, and I hope this carries on into the next year!
February
In this month, I did my university proud and competed in the first cheer leading competition representing Chester Vixens and placed 6th. This was a massive achievement for me, with it being my first time competing and my first hand experience of the competing in general. It felt great to be able to perform on a stage again after so long, and I hope that that is something I can experience again either next year, or in the near future: there's nothing like it!
March
Chester Vixens and I competed again in our second competition, where we landed second! Again, this was another massive achievement, and with it being an incredibly long and strenuous day battling bad mental health and tiredness, it was something which I didn't think I would be able to cope with doing. However, once again I proved myself wrong and helped bring my team to glory at the same time.
As well as this, March was a very fun month with it being the one where my housemates and I held our first ever house party for my friend Emma's 20th. It was amazing and so much fun, and we felt like proper uni students by having everyone round drinking and partying until god knows what time.
April
This month brought complete relief and happiness when I faced some of the most stressful times of my life so far. With very little time to revise for our second year exams, it meant that anxiety was running high, and when it came to us finally completing our last one, we celebrated royally. We made sure we had plenty to drink and had lot's of laughs, but best of all, Phoebe and I had two take-away's in one night. Yeah, that happened.
Also, by it got to the end of the month, after we had a well deserved Easter break after the horrid exam period, we celebrated even more by attending the annual ball which is hosted by The Chester University Psychology Society. It was an incredible night and I felt like a princess all dressed up in my gown and shoes. My friends looked gorgeous, and it was the first time I had gone to an event like this with a boy on my arm, making it all the more special.
May
Unfortunately, this was around the time that I began to experience major problems with my skin. It was a difficult time because I was having to get up and go to placement every day whilst being in pain from how much my skin itched and hurt. For anyone that is new to here, hi, my name is Amy and I have the most problematic skin ever. I basically suffered with wide spread eczema at this point, and because of how dry and scabby it was, it meant that even the smallest movements for me were painful. With it also becoming warmer with summer approaching, it meant that the heat would make the eczema feel even more uncomfortable. I began treatment by having UV light 3 times a week, but that basically gave me symptoms of prickly heat, and left me in even more pain. So at this point, my mental health had got to it's lowest possible point, because I couldn't do anything I wanted to without either feeling immense pain, or simply feeling disgusting because I was covered in red, rash like markings and scabs. It was at this point that I nearly took my own life. But thankfully something clicked in my head and I rang a suicide hotline, and then my mum, and from that day on, I was receiving therapy for depression and tried some short term medication for my eczema.
June
Again, this was a very tricky month for myself. My mental health was all over the place, with me trying various different medications in order to figure out which one suited me best. I felt like a walking zombie around this time, and to be honest I don't really remember much. I had some very low moments, where I considered attempting to take my own life again, and whilst all of this was going on, I was clinging onto someone, who in the stages of me feeling brighter, I realised was not a good person to have in my life.
I fell out of love with Connor 5 months into our relationship. I think a part of him couldn't understand why I was so unhappy, and that he had it a lot worse than me, so therefore I shouldn't have been feeling the feelings I did. One thing which stood out to me the most was when he told me that "I wasn't trying hard enough". To say that to someone when everyday is a struggle for them, is heart wrenching. Then, after many other things that were said which left me feeling worthless and upset, I found myself not loving him anymore. He wasn't the same person I fell in love with, whether that was because of my mental health, or his wrong-doings.
I look back on it now and before my health began to deteriorate, we did have some good times, but I can't help but remind myself of the bad times that came along with them. Connor, if you're reading this, thank you for showing me what it feels like to be in love, and leave me craving it all the more now that I am well. But also, please learn from your mistakes, I don't want any other girl to feel the way that you made me feel a lot of time.
In 2018, I do hope to find love again. It is one of the most magical experiences, and I look at everyone else who is lucky enough to have it with envy. But at the same time I literally have no time for that sort of commitment, so who knows what 2018 might bring!
July
It was at this time when things began to look up for a while. I had become healthy enough to return back to my placement which I should have completed the month before, and my skin was getting better along with my mental health improving as well. I spent time with loved ones, and I remember thinking that I never thought I would be doing things like this again. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to enjoy myself without feeling some form of low mood or pain from my skin.
August
This month brought me some seriously memorable experiences. One of them being the trip I took to Swansea for my friend from uni's 21st birthday. Seren had invited us out way before, so this was something that I really wanted to be well enough for, and even though it was a struggle, I got myself on that train and had an amazing time in the south of Wales.
Along with these great times though came real sadness as well. My skin kept on going through stages of feeling better whilst on medication, but then in pain quite soon after. It came to the point where once again I was finding it difficult to leave the house, Liam - who I was dating at the time - was the only person I rarely left the house for. Other than that I felt hopeless, and after countless journeys to the out of hours doctors and A&E, it got the point where some serious action needed to be taken.
September
This was the point where things dramatically began to make a change for the better. I got put on a long term course of medication that would potentially clear my skin up completely, but it made me poorly for a little while. As well as this, I had finally found some medication which suited me perfectly (citalopram) which meant that my moods were a lot better than before. Generally, things were seriously starting to look up, and it was around this time that I decided to change my diet, cutting out gluten, dairy, caffeine and red meat, in order to benefit my skin and health even more.
The scariest moment of this month was the prospect of going back to uni. At this point, I was ready to go back, however with everything I had been through over the Summer, I was terrified. I had completely lost all of my confidence in myself, even though I was doing so much better than before. But with a little nudge and some positive words from my counsellor and parents, I plucked up the courage. Uni for me was always the end goal, no matter how low I was feeling, not matter how much pain I was in, my end goal was always to be well enough to go back to uni. And that's what I did.
October
Beginning to feel myself again, I managed to throw myself back into the swing of things at uni, with lectures, dissertation work and best of all, being the president of the Chester University Psychology Society! In October my biggest highlight was when we held our first event, and managed to raise approximately £240 for a charity very close to my heart after what I went through this Summer.
November
A big highlight for me in this month was when it my was uni friend Phoebe's 22nd birthday. We went for a night out and on this particular night, it was the first time in a while I had felt completely comfortable and had some of the most fun I have ever had. It was a really enlightening moment for me, and I look forward to continuing to have more.
December
This month began with my birthday which I absolutely adored, and is something that I will never ever forget. Along with this however came to me having quite a big meltdown, and with mum and dad coming to uni to check up on me, it lead to me upping my dose on my anti-depressants. Initially this felt like quite a low point for myself, however, it has now changed my life dramatically for the better. I am the happiest I have ever felt, and even if that is because of some tablets making me feel like that, it doesn't matter to me. I have accomplished things this month that a few months back I wouldn't have ever dreamed of doing, and I am so so proud of myself for that.
So that concludes my year in review. It has been so enlightening to look back on the year like this and to see how far I have come, and I encourage anyone to do the same. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and my next post will hopefully be in the new year! I hope you all have an amazing new years, whatever it is you'll be up to, and I shall speak again soon.
Lot's of love,
Amy xoxo